Best Drunken Holiday Fight-Starters by All 50 States
Alabama — “So how many of Nick Saban’s ‘5 enemies of greatness’ are here with us for dinner tonight?”
Alaska — Curing the mukluk in Grandpa’s Hennessey.
Arizona — Replacing Grandma’s trazodone with sugar pills.
Arkansas — Calling “Woo, pig, sooie!” at your sister-in-law when she brings in snacks during the game.
California — Expressing a preference for women-only locker rooms at the day spa.
Colorado — Saying “No, me niego a pagar el alquiler a Tren de Aragua” when the man with the tattooed face arrives to collect the rent.
Connecticut — Inviting that slut Charlotte von Muffeling to Christmas Eve dinner.
Delaware — Forgetting the laptop at the repair …
America by the Numbers
250 — Estimated cost of the California wildfires over the past year (in billions)
12 — Insurance payouts related to California wildfires over the past year (in billions)
5 — People who watched Tucker Carlson’s cordial interview with Nick Fuentes (in millions)
11.1 — Tons of Qatari urea being imported into the US by the Koch brothers over the next 15 years (in millions)
62 — Global happiness ranking of Americans under 30 (below Moldova, Bosnia, Guatemala, El Salvador, Cyprus, and the Dominican Republic, and barely above Malaysia)
53 — Increase since 2003 in the percentage of Americans who report having eaten all of their meals alone the previous day
43 — Percentage decline in cases of …
Charley Crockett’s Big Fat Mouth
Part cow and part man, he’s heir to the outlaw-country tradition
He complains: As talented as many Nashville songwriters are, none of them know any fucking songs
It’s the latest installment in the Battle of Waylon & Willie vs. The Machine
Walking through a backstage maze of tour buses, Charley Crockett looks out at the Atlantic and takes a big sip of air. “This tastes like home. I was born on this here Gulf Coast, way down in South Texas.” It’s the third time he’s mentioned his roots to me, and when he takes the stage a little later, he lets the crowd know, too. “Hello, my name is Charley Crockett. That’s Charley with an ‘E-Y’ — like Pride — and Crockett with two ‘Ts’ — like Davy. I’m from a little town in the Rio Grande Valley called San Benito.”
We’re in Clearwater, Florida, on the seventeenth stop of his joint tour with soul singer Leon Bridges, a tour they’ve aptly dubbed “The Crooner & The Cowboy.” It’s certainly hot, but the humidity is merciful. Crockett is wearing a brown ten-gallon hat with scuffed boots, a short-sleeve button-up, and bootcut jeans exclaimed by a big shiny buckle. A large silver necklace depicting an …