Bouquets and Brickbats
Bouquet
To Arte Moreno, for finally relinquishing his death-grip on the Los Angeles Angels, whose classic 1970s-style halo did little to disguise decades of soul-crushing mediocrity. It’s a fact of sports team ownership that the character of the owner tends to shape the organization, which in turn is reflected in the team on the field. In Moreno’s case, his love for top talent appeared to be matched by his refusal to attend to the little details that make a winning team. His approach lavished record contracts on some of the greatest players in the game, only to submerge their talents in a swamp of joyless loser-dom.
There have been bad owners in baseball before Arte Moreno. What makes him unique is that his approach to the game all-but-ruined the prime years of three of baseball’s greatest stars: Albert Pujols, Mike Trout, and Shohei Ohtani. …
American Glossary
Data Centers — They don’t actually use that much water.
Dolly Parton — Our Mt. Rushmore.
Flock — Creepy metal birds with sharp claws perched on metal poles will track your every movement through beady electric eyes.
Gavin Newsom — American Psycho isn’t that popular among Democrats.
Hasan Piker — Scared of bikers.
Iran — We keep defeating them, and defeating them, and defeating them, and defeating them.
JD Vance — JV Dunce
Jeffrey Epstein — Suddenly, no one cares about his massages anymore.
Palmer Luckey — The new Elon.
Candy Bars of All Fifty States
Alabama — The Big Hog – A log of Hog Guts swirled in caramel and coated with chocolate makes the ladies swoon.
Alaska — Moose Droppings – Caramelized salmon bits with moose.
Arizona — The Old Timer – Treats urinary incontinence.
Arkansas — The Moonshiner – Yummy chocolate filled with liquor, keep it away from the revenue man.
California — Edibles.
Colorado — Rocky Mountain High – You’ll get high.
Connecticut — His and Hers Viagra Hearts.
Delaware — Bank candy.
Florida — Ten-inch Mango Surprise.
Georgia — Nutty Buddy – Chocolate-covered peanut brittle. Strippers love it.
Hawaii — The Luau – Candied pineapple with hash …