The most important harbinger of America’s hardships is, was, and may always be Dopey: Yes, the four horsemen are really seven dwarves — at least I think they’re seven dwarves, it’s kinda difficult to tell in this low, orangey light… Anyway, their wayward leader is the most risible of all — especially given there’s nothing intrinsically funny about being of restricted height. Every time he speaks in that squeaky, helium voice, saying he’s going to bomb this, or nuke that, while drilling for oil — apparently with babies? — I feel still more… stoned. No, the problem with America is that it is stoned — which may be why it found dwarves funny in the first place.

How do I know? Two reasons: first, because I’ve been stoned for so long (the best part of half a century) that being stoned is simply my reality, the medium through which all other realities refract themselves — which means that from my …