Johnny Carson's Secret
Treated hog farmers and foul-mouthed comics with equal courtesy
Didn’t give a crap about being on television
Late night king’s legacy offers fleeting glimpse of hope that the legion of second and third-generation Carson imitators including David Letterman, Jay Leno, Howard Stern, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, and that weird Scottish guy named Craig something who was on TV for a minute before COVID might one day take a page from the master’s script and bugger off to Africa
The kids were mostly asleep when the funniest thing ever to happen on network television aired around midnight on January 12th, 1979. It would be decades before children had portable digital slot machines to unnaturally stretch out their days, and there were no DVRs either, meaning that the moment had the tenuousness of any other unconfirmable rumor — it could not be shared or repackaged or distorted. As far as anyone knew, Richard Pryor impersonating a stuttering Chinese waiter on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson could only be experienced once, within the dying present of the lived moment.
“I mean the man was stuttering in Chinese!” pleaded the stand-up legend, priming a supposedly disbelieving audience for the astonishments to come. Pryor fluttered his eyelids and quivered his entire body as he forced a pileup of consonants through his clenched mouth. On the vowels his whole face suddenly …
A Hitchhiker's Guide to a Wounded Mind
Desert highways won’t take you to Huck Finn’s America
Leaving Las Vegas on a motorized trike after 58 dead, 867 wounded
A schizoid nation of nurses, meth-heads and bums mourns losses it can barely name
There are days when whole cities are harried and unshaven; sleepless nights when the sunrise brings no cleansing promise to man or woman alike. Apocalyptic neon columns cut the dawn, leering over the desert, where hundreds of thousands of souls linger in disillusionment and fear as the sirens endlessly scream. It was the morning of October 2nd in Las Vegas, 2017. Sleep-deprived nurses from area hospitals dragged themselves through drive-thrus for coffee, listlessly muttering their orders, shocked by the carnage they’d witnessed only the night before.
In line at the Goodwill in Henderson, just south of the city, one of the nurses seemed liable to combust. His eyes hung down, morose and lamblike, somehow ancient in their grief. He moved up in line clutching a t-shirt bearing the word “HOGWARTS” — a gift for his girlfriend, he said. It was only his first week as a clinical nursing student. As the cashier’s …
Malibu Versus Nobu
Why SoCal’s surfing paradise stinks
There is Poo in the ’Bu
Surf Nazis, selfish billionaires, and the young punk Sean Penn in his Chevy Caprice reflect the spirit of Malibu’s inhospitable Mother
Surfing Malibu, when the conditions are right, can feel like a waking dream. Can be, because usually, surfing Malibu means fighting surly crowds, with ten people hassling for position on every wave. But once in a while, I’ve caught that wave that all surfers rehearse in their heads: on a classic longboard, you turn towards shore and paddle to catch the wave just as it rises to break; dropping down the face, you pop to your feet, push on your back foot to turn the board and accelerate down the line, take two steps towards the nose and pause, trying to be as graceful as a ballet dancer poised just ahead of the curling lip. That moment of stillness balanced on swirling water might last a second at most. Then it collapses, and you shuffle back, adjust your feet, and read the next section of the wave, or maybe you wipe out in bliss.
When the wind cooperates, the water’s surface becomes what surfers call …